2-18-21

Dropped the kids off at school, made a big breakfast (too big probably), read my book (another le Carré banger) for a bit, then picked the kids up from school.

It's snowing again today, for what seems like the 15th day in a row, but fortunately it's a dry flakey snow that I swear smells very clean. Probably not true but it is beautiful anyway. The snow is piling up in a way I can't remember. Maybe that 2013 blizzard? I've done a lot of shoveling, which I've learned I reeally do enjoy if I'm not working. I just put on some headphones, usually an audiobook, and get swept up in the labor.

Almost two weeks off of work this time around and I've had a wonderful time to this point. I was stressed out, certainly, at this last gig, even if I did love the work. Big pipe, 3" IMC, up on lifts. A lot of math, a lot trig as it turns out, pre-planning and three dimensional thinking-- I loved it. I really felt like I needed a mental break, though, as disappointed as I was that I'd be missing out on another quarter of collecting insurance hours. That remains my biggest fear through this recession. Opportunities to get cash always seem to present themselves so paying the mortgage isn't as frightening as I feared back in July. Jean and I have talked about it a hundred times-- back up plans if it ever comes to that, etc. Generally that type of anxiety is improving, but it still looms for sure.

I've promised myself this time at home will be different. I'm a little bit wiser now, a bit more experienced at holding off the dark clouds so to speak. Exercise, diet, reading-- all those things need to be priorities. 

My brain isn't great with uncertainty in the future. Not knowing where all the money will come from is still incredibly unnerving for me, even if I've seen that it will come somehow after these last few months. I think maybe Jean is better equipped for this type of thing than me, just with past experience. I've only been without a job for one extended period in 2012 and that was before I was a dad and had a mortgage and all the expectations of a provider. 

Really, I think my 2012 self would be pretty impressed with what we've built here though, We have a great little house on a nice corner lot with an impressive backyard with a swingset-treehouse, the climbing dome and hammock-- all those things I envisioned as a pre-Dad are there. I think that past version of me would barter what I have now for the uncertainty for sure. There is some solace in that. 

I mean, things are really good otherwise. I am happy, even if anxious. Jean and I are still incredibly in love and that just kind of guides everything else. This house is a happy place to be, for everyone in it I'm postive. The kids are in a good place too. I'd say recently they've reacquainted with going to school after an extended break in the pandemic. Lena really is self-motivating in way I envy. And Jimmy really is a ham that I don't worry about his social skills having deteriorated in quarantine anymore. That whole operation to acquire a Switch in September really is paying off dividends in this isolated winter. I'm proud of that :-).

Jimmy and I have really been palling up lately playing these co-op Mario games-- Mario Maker 2 and 3D World. Lena and I think will always have a strong bond-- I can't explain it really. 

Shay is getting older, but her limp as disappeared for now anyway. She's 11 and that day is probably coming. Roger and I are fine I guess, lol.

I don't like being an electrician anymore. At least I don't like being this type of electrician-- a "tramp" they call it, but that how most of us make our living I suppose. I'm hoping something will present itself in the future, it almost has too. Just how long I have to wait, though, remains to be seen. I struggle with extended periods off of work-- I know that about myself now. I never thought that'd be the case because I've always prided myself on the ability to never be bored, and while that's still absolutely true I do need to feel like I'm providing. And even if I know that logically I am (the state, federal and union efforts to provide unemployment insurance over the last year have been extremely effective) I still need to feel that way.

I had an incredibly rough July. The worst month I can remember, probably since 2008. I didn't know what was coming and I feared the worst. So far none of those fears have come to fruition and none of them were really close. But that fear made it an awful time. And not to say that any of those fears won't still happen but unequivocally that fear has been the worst thing to happen to me in all of this. So there's an absolutely an invaluable lesson in that.

I mean, look at this view I have right now:

(I'm just now noticing those little stringed hearts, lol. Jean does all these things for this house I could never fully appreciate in a thousand years.) 

From the start I've had this sort of fantasy of the moment I realize it's all over, like the final scene in a movie before the credits roll. Maybe I'm swept up in an activity, playing with the kids and looking around I suddenly recognize that I'm not only just happy, but I feel safe again. (I think that's been the real loss in all this). But then bam, the music swells and fade to black. The crisis is over. It's probably not going to happen like that. I mean it won't be that black and white. I might even be out of it now but won't realize it until I'm far enough away from it to see the line clearly. But most likely it will be a gradual thing, a continuous thing. It's a constant adapting to change. That's kind of the whole secret. Anyway.

This too shall pass.