3-19-21

 It's a Friday morning . Jean is getting ready for work.  She's such a babe. I'll never get over it.

Lena is in her room remote schooling for two weeks after a mild cold last week. Jimmy is off on Fridays so he's cuddled up on the couch playing minecraft and legos simultaneously. He's got Lena's old puffy purple blanket that he's inherited-- it is absolutely the best blanket in the house. I used to sleep with it on weekends in the basement until he discovered it.

It's finally sunny again after three days of rain, so everyone's mood is up, I can tell. Still a little cold, though, so I'll have to wait another day to put this trampoline together. The kids are absolutely going to burst when they see it.

Got Jean's grandfather's stereo working again. Listening to a playlist I made-- a sort of personal history map of my musical tastes since first grade. From The Four Seasons to ACDC to Pegboy to June of 44 to whatever nonsense came after that. Always jumping from obsession to obsession.

We have a puppy! He's impossibly cute-- "Eddie Bear". The night we brought him home was magical in a way that's hard to describe. Everyone was just so happy. Lena was just in shock and Jimmy was ecstatic. The other dogs loved him (tolerated him), too-- I was surprised to be honest. It's not nearly as much work as I remember. I think having two other dogs to help is really having an effect. He just follows them around. 

With our first dog I was off work as well. We would go to the park and train for hours. She was so good-- we walked off leash anywhere. She's grown more anxious since, always barking at everything from her little spot on the couch in our front window. Poor dog. Shelter dog. No idea what she had to deal with before we found her. 

Anyway I have good days and bad days. Anytime I start to feel happy I immediately feel guilty about it. It is sort of an embarrassing truth to realize that you need to feel like you're providing in order to feel valuable, especially after years of thinking I was such a chill dude or whatever. Like, I can't just exist and enjoy life, apparently. Just another sucker, I guess. 

I've got some time left before I'll be forced to do something dramatic and have to travel for work. It's really a nightmare scenario for me. I can't imagine being away from the kids for that long, nevermind being holed up with a bunch of meatheads in a roach motel in some other state. Gah. I'm just not cut out for that. I'm not that kind of dude. Just have to hope something happens before it comes to that. Some kind of miracle. I've had a few happen before so...

My reading has slowed, and thats definitely a sign of the economic anxiety increasing. We have plenty of money saved, just don't know how soo we'll have to dig it up and use it and for how long or if it'll even last us long enough. That's the game I guess. 

I've been exercising a lot though, running mostly. And eating well finally after a winter of some indulgence. No carbs for weeks. I do feel great, though. Not losing weight, lol, but feeling good for sure.